Stop it! 😂
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
smartest karate player in the world
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.