[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?