Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Skills
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will