Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.