{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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I love the National Park Service.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.