mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
You Might Also Like
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
those birds must be on payroll
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit