Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me