As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Aaaa…CHOO!
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning