My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.