@toomanycommas3

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@toomanycommas3

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

@toomanycommas3

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.

@toomanycommas3

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.