If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.