@toomanytoes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

@toomanytoes

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

@toomanytoes

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

@toomanytoes

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.