[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Hey I worked for it too!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.