Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.