I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys