First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I feel it
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat