What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Simple
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?