The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.