CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened