Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Ah..makes sense now
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset