1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Stop it! 😂
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it