I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
You Might Also Like
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck