Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of tracietom's best tweets

@tracietom : My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

@tracietom: My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@tracietom: There's a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I'm not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@tracietom: My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted "tooth fairy" so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

@tracietom: Me: I'm starting my diet today
Husband: I'm picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan--
Me: I'll take a hundred

@tracietom: My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

@tracietom: I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I "looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!"

Peaches is our dog.

@tracietom: out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

@tracietom: 8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@tracietom: my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, "i'm a witch now, i can't wait until school tomorrow."

i'm afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool