Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no