NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]