ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mistakes were made
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.