I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O