My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The glory of fall.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.