Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college