me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.