When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend