You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
You Might Also Like
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single