An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…