I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
This meeting could have been a cake
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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PhewThe Chosen Phew