American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”