Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly