I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
we’re gonna need another temp
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps