@trentistweeting

The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”

@trentistweeting

[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]

@trentistweeting

ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome

@trentistweeting

WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now

@trentistweeting

[first date]
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them
MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

@trentistweeting

Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough

@trentistweeting

“Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!”
ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think “diver city day” could be fun too

@trentistweeting

“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now

@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome