If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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This sounds bad:
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Batman v Dracula
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.