It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
May have had one breakfast too many
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.