*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble