HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Attacked by a mop.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops