The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
What about a To-Don’t List?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
me linking you to my twitter