They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.