Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
We need more people like this.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok