[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
You Might Also Like
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick