Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You Might Also Like
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.