Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
stop
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Why is no one talking about this?!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”