you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I hope this email finds you in a well
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: