police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
When you’ve simply given up.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow