My birthstone is a marshmallow
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Netflix: We have Less
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood