@trojansauce

daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

@trojansauce

[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this

@trojansauce

[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair

@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

@trojansauce

GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables

@trojansauce

*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo

@trojansauce

FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?