daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage
GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries