Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Is….Is this an option?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time